Nobody likes a spoiler

Today's Tusk piece:

Nobody likes a spoiler
By Ben Flanagan
Ben Around
August 1, 2008

Has anyone ever spoiled the end of a movie for you? I'd guess that a sudden something comes over you – a certain wave of violent rage and cynicism, and a constant rush of regret for what you'll do to someone in a matter of seconds. Has anyone ever spoiled the end of a movie for you? I'd guess that a sudden something comes over you – a certain wave of violent rage and cynicism, and a constant rush of regret for what you'll do to someone in a matter of seconds.

Do you get that, too? Just me?

Maybe in the real world we can't wring the necks of thoughtless herds of blabbering faces chattering about the climax of a movie while you stand in line for the next show. At that moment, you unleash it: a dark, insidious glare – or look of death – in the doomed direction of a bozo who indirectly or subconsciously felt the need to ruin your evening. Next time, make sure they see your disgusted face, one that can't find the strength or mercy to forgive and move on.

Reverse the scenario now and ask yourself, 'Have I ever spoiled it for anybody? Couldn't I follow that unwritten rule of the multiplex that says I keep my yapper shut until I get in the car unless I'm convinced everyone surrounding me has seen what I have?'

Surely you and I have committed the same cinematic sin of spoiling, whether we knew it or not. Either way, do those of us who didn't make the midnight showing a favor, and come to grips with the sickness that could spread an epidemic on any night at the Cobb Hollywood 16, and hold off on spilling the beans. We want that sweet shock value, too – we just might have needed a few days to actually make it into the theater.

For the masochists, let them peruse the nerdy Web sites and message boards that, without remorse, let them in on anything and everything. A select cluster of sad individuals who summon everything in their power to wreck a moviegoing experience does exist, and their collectively disturbing hobby tells you more than you should know about these people – the kind who will read the script before they've seen a movie, without getting paid for it.

Some either completely ignore, or simply don't look for the caution sign all articles must include in their headlines if they plan on delving deeper than some of us had hoped: 'SPOILER ALERT!'

Don't hesitate to inform your friends you've wandered out of the loop, but will find your way back soon enough, and make it clear with your serious face. Don't let them pull out some lame, slap-in-the-back-of-the-he

ad-worthy justification: 'Well if you really wanted to see it, you'd have done it by now.'

Are you a victim of spoilers? Who blew the defining moment of 'The Empire Strikes Back' in 1980? Was there any reason to venture out to 'The Planet of the Apes?' Who blew every single one of M. Night Shyamalan's plot twists for you? Did you know who Keyser Soze was before you'd seen 'The Usual Suspects?' Can anyone really watch an Alfred Hitchcock movie without having read (sometimes forcibly in academic settings) essays analyzing the specifics of the Master's dazzling denouements?

Certainly it applies to television as well. That joker in the office who hasn't yet discovered TiVO or DVR and deafeningly relives the final moments on the '24' or 'Lost' finales.

Those of you lucky enough not to have endured such spoilage, journey forth and see what you've always wanted to see. Directly address the hype and feel that stream of surprise trickle down the slope of your spine before some nimrod blurts out, 'He was dead all along!' Smack him if it makes you feel better...unless he's much bigger than you.

What about the sadists, you ask? The sickest lot of ‘em all who deliberately rob us of genuine shock and awe, or how the director intended us to see it; they slither and ooze among us, perhaps even closer than you might think. Take a look in the mirror.

For how many years now have you berated and condemned the deadly spoilers who walk the lobbies of innocent, unsuspecting moviehouses? You're a full-blooded spoiler-phobe who can't shake the idea that this whole time you hail from a long line of ashamed closet spoilers. Once you accept it, you can overcome it – forever.

If you must spoil, though, I'd advise you to think twice and become familiar with your surroundings. One slip of the tongue, and the next thing you know, you'll wake up and wonder what happened to you. For your own safety, spare us the trouble.

Artrageous Riverfront Arts Tour Thursday: Held on the first Thursday of each month, this event lets you tour local art galleries, stores and restaurants as well as catch the latest exhibits and demonstrations. Withhold digging deeply into your pockets and save a little petrol by taking the bus to boost your arty street cred. At these galleries, art buffs or first-timers can find an eclectic blend of diverse artists while enjoying live jazz and classical music, hors d'oeuvres and wine tasting at select galleries. Do your local artists a favor and get artrageous, you worldly people you.

'Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day' at Tuscaloosa's Bama Theatre: Released a bit early in 2008, this critical darling and throwback to screwball comedies made it to Tuscaloosa's Cobb Hollywood 16 for too short a period for anyone to know it ever existed. Now the choosy bunch at the Bama Theatre have reserved a week for this romance, starring 'Enchanted' star Amy Adams and Oscar-winner Frances McDormand ('Fargo'), who plays a middle-aged London governess who works for a highly social American actress. Sparse numbers of little gems like these run into rotten luck sometimes in terms of pesky January-March release dates; but thanks to our friendly Arts Council, we can take it all in now, and in such an ideal setting.

Squirrelhouse tonight at Egan's: Amidst the current clash between new and old management and listeners at the University of Alabama's college radio station regarding its changing format, local musicians who might feel a bit slighted still find the zeal to keep on truckin'. One band in particular I've heard recently on 90.7-FM will keep the dream alive tonight in one of the local artists' favorite abodes, Egan's. Squirrelhouse's catchy song 'Fours' (its newly aired studio version) still has a home on Tuscaloosa's radiowaves, which can't upset a talented bunch of native musicians looking for any and every push they can get.